Coldplay – “Hymn for the Weekend” (Singles Going Steady)

Ian King: Coldplay were compelling back when Chris Martin was a middle class college student who wanted to be Jeff Buckley and sang nonsense about how making friends in wooden houses is easy. Somewhere after the last interesting gasps of Viva La Vida, the band seems to have outsourced all creative decision making to Max Martin and a panel of Coca-Cola executives. “I’m feeling drunk and high”? To think that X&Y seemed like a low point at the time. At least Martin can still hit those nice falsetto notes. The best way to honor the memory of what Coldplay used to be is to pretend you never saw this and go give Parachutes a spin instead. [2/10]

Paul Duffus: Listening to Chris Martin’s lyrics is like falling into a pit filled with offal. At first you’re startled: Did he really say that?/Hey, are those pig testes? Then you’re filled with horror: Oh god, he did say that!/It’s not pig testes! It’s a goat anus! Then, as the tears roll, all you can do is pray for it to end: “When I was a river dried up / You came to rain a flood.” What?! A 38-year-old man wrote that! Not a bright 38-year-old man, but educated at least. Why? How? WHY?! / I just swallowed a donkey liver.

The song is hilarious. The video is a lazy idiot’s mishmash of Indian stereotypes. I look forward to an Indian band repaying the compliment by filming a promo in Martin’s native Devon and filling it with gap-toothed, cider soaked yokels on combine harvesters throwing handfuls of scones, clotted cream, and jam at each other. [1/10]

Stephen Wyatt: Cultural appropriation aside, Coldplay’s “Hymn for the Weekend” sounds nothing like the vestiges of a band that once gave us ’00s most endearing ballads, “Yellow”. That band no longer exists. Remove Chris Martin’s voice from the track, and Selena Gomez or Demi Lovato could have delivered this song with more charisma than the ex-Mr. Paltrow does. Beyonce, the current Queen of Pop, could not condescend enough to make “Hymn for the Weekend” remotely listenable. Moreover, did Lil’ Wayne write the lyrics to the chorus? “Drink for me / Drink for me / I was so thirsty” leaves the most earnest of Coldplay fans (do any of them still exist?) with bewildered looks and hands outstretched in complete dismay. R.I.P. Coldplay. [1/10]

Steve Horowitz: The video as travelogue with fireworks and beautiful women: a look at India for those who will never go there. It’s pretty cool, and the music has strong hooks that suggest the pleasures of being somewhere exotic. Everything is on the unpolished surface. Reality is the way one see’s things instead of the thing itself, so sing along. [7/10]

Dustin Ragucos: Wastes Beyonce’s talent? Check. Uses the words “Love’s a drug”? Check. Chorus hovers around getting drunk and high while being as poppy and uncreative as possible? Check, check, and check. I’d be shooting for f-bombs, but with how Coldplay have been for the past while, it’s not worth it. [2/10]

Kevin Korber: Woof. Way to go out with a whimper, guys. I always wondered what a rock star’s midlife crisis would be like. Apparently, it involves a limp Beyonce collaboration and a trip to India. Rad. [3/10]

Jedd Beaudoin: The only thing worse than the bands that try to ape Coldplay? The real thing. [1/10]

Chad Miller: A decently catchy song but not particularly memorable. Lyrics are especially forgettable. The chorus consists of cheesy lines like “Drink from me/ Then we’ll shoot across the sky/ Symphony” and a bunch of sung vowels. [5/10]

SCORE: 2.75