It should be no surprise that many Washington watchers have labeled the dumbfounding cabinet picks for Donald Trump 2.0 “looney tunes”. As most television watchers know, this term comes from the actual Looney Tunes™, the popular slate of Warner Brothers cartoons produced in the 1930s. It is entertainment beloved by children and adults alike, and it continues to air on television and streaming services worldwide. It is also apparent that many of Trump’s new cabinet nominees sprung from one of his favorite activities: hours of daily television bingeing and, most faithfully, tuning into the malignant Fox News universe.
Trump’s picks for Secretary of Defense, Transportation Secretary, and U.S. Ambassador to Israel – Pete Hegseth, Sean Duffy, and Mick Huckabee – are all current or former Fox News hosts. Pretty much every one of his choices, including Attorney General (Pam Bondi), Secretary of State (Marco Rubio), Director of National Intelligence (Tulsi Gabbard), Director of Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Service (Dr. Oz), have appeared on Fox News repeatedly, in some cases, hundreds of times to suck up to President Redux. I’m pretty sure that Trump’s television watching and his obsession with ratings also influenced his choice of former World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon to achieve the body slam planned for the Department of Education.
What if Donald Trump had just changed the channel? What if he had spent more time watching the actual Looney Tunes than the faux news juggernaut founded by Rupert Murdoch?
As with his current Cabinet picks, I’m sure he would’ve dug deep into the Looney Tunes roster and made some little-known choices. Here’s just a taste of what might’ve been.
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Attorney General: Looney Tune’s Foghorn Leghorn
Step aside, Pam Bondi, and make way for Foghorn Leghorn! A great attorney’s primary skill is the gift of gab, the ability to pontificate, in extremis, to win an argument and sway a jury. Looney Tunes’ loquacious rooster, Foghorn Leghorn, has this in spades. He also has a homey Southern accent that should play well below the Mason-Dixon line, a trait that seems popular with many lawyers and judges in Hollywood films (See: Fred “Herman Munster” Gwynne as Judge Chamberlain Haller and Austin Pendleton as Joe Pesci’s adversary John Gibbons in My Cousin Vinny.)
Secretary of Defense: Looney Tune’s Yosemite Sam
He may not have always shot straight or got his man, but no one was quicker to fling lead when a conflict loomed in Looney Land than Yosemite Sam. Sam has everything the United States needs to keep our foes at bay. He’s a mean-spirited, overly aggressive man with a hair-trigger temper, with a propensity to shoot first and ask questions later. He’s also a redhead – a physical quality believed to be a sign of witchcraft in the Middle Ages; something still greeted with fear in remote corners of the world where our enemies lurk.
Chief of Staff: Looney Tune’s Bugs Bunny
Of course, you want the wisest and shrewdest, and there was no Looney Tunes star better than its apex character, Bugs Bunny. This star of 160 cartoons and further films is the ultimate trickster, a cartoon genius who always comes out on top. Perhaps Donald Trump’s health would improve if he followed Bugs’ example and replaced the hourly Diet Coke with chewing a big organic carrot.
U.S. Secretary of Transportation: Looney Tune’s Road Runner
America craves velocity, and no one was better at navigating roads in the Looney World than Road Runner. Should he (she?) fail to be approved after vetting, I might recommend nominating the equally fleet Speedy Gonzales. But with his South of the Border heritage (you know, the “all Mexicans are rapists and murderers thing”), it’s unlikely Donald Trump would give him the nod.
Secretary of Education: Looney Tune’s Egghead Jr.
I suspect this is one where Donald Trump would go deep on the bench and pick the little-known Egghead Jr. This large-headed, bespectacled baby chick made his debut in 1954’s “Little Boy Boo” and starred in only two more shorts through 1960. He was the nemesis who always outsmarted Attorney General nominee Foghorn Leghorn, so there’s reason to believe this appointment may not fly.
Representative of the U.S.A. to the United Nations: Looney Tune’s Daffy Duck
With his choice of Long Island’s flip-flopper Rep. Elise Stefanik, it seems Donald Trump has a taste for the daffy. So why not go all the way and nominate the genuine article, Daffy Duck? With a starring role in 130 cartoons, Daffy was the third most popular character in Looney Tunes, a double-talking screwball with what it takes to keep the ambassadors from the United Nations’ 193 member nations off balance.
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Looney Tune’s Porky Pig
With his daily diet of McDonald’s, burnt steak, and a dozen Diet Cokes, the President-to-Be Again isn’t really serious about his health and probably not ours. He’s a disrupter, and the most disruptive pick for this position in the Looney Tunes universe would be Porky Pig. Pig on HHS would make RFK Jr. look like a Deep State lackey pick.
Director of the Central Intelligence Agency (C.I.A.): Looney Tune’s Wile E. Coyote
Donald Trump and America will need a shady character in this role, and there’s no one more malicious-minded in cartoons than Wile E. Coyote. Whether he’s out to get his usual nemesis, Road Runner, or his sometimes foe, Bugs Bunny, Wile E. Coyote is intent on getting the job done. Another plus to this Cabinet pick? His close connection and frequent creative collaborations with that well-known purveyor of Rube Goldberg-like contraptions of ill-intent, The Acme Corporation.
And lest we forget, there are two more essential similarities between Donald Trump and Looney Tunes: the occasional use of racist tropes and calls to violence.
On the former, there are the so-called Censored Eleven episodes of Looney Tunes that have been withheld from syndication since 1968 due to their stereotypes of African-Americans, the Japanese, Mexicans, and more.
As for the violence, one could see Trump approving the deployment of anvils from high places, a la Bugs, Daffy, and Road Runner, in his planned retribution against his enemies. If I were Special Prosecutor Jack Smith or Adam Schiff, I would keep my eyes peeled for the next four years.